hola familia!!!!
this week has been a rollercoaster ride for my emotions and in this moment i am a little procupied. let me explain. i have this great fear. and it all started with a dream i had during my first week in the MTC. my first week was rough and i wanted to give up many many times but after this dream it was sertain what i needed to do.
in my dream i was sitting in a room all the lights were turned out i could hardly see anything. then one by one people began to appear. and they all said the same thing, "you promised me", "You promised me" i could never see their face but what they said has stuck with me to this moment and i am sure it will haunt me forever. my greatest fear is one day to be standing in front of christ and someone will approach me and say "you promised me, why didnt you fulfill?"
this past month we have been trying to teach a family, in particular on of their daughters, Gabriela. one day we went to visit her and her aunt told us not to come back, that gabby didnt want to listen to us and that we were wasting our time. well we listened to her we didnt go back until yesterday. she is moving to italy tomorrow to be with her mom and we went to visit her and say goodbye and good luck. i felt like i should give her a book of mormon as a last effort before she left. i was in the middle of explaining it and she cut me off and asked. "why did you stop visiting me?" to me that question sounded alot like my fear. and it cut deep. we explained what happened with her aunt and she told us that her aunt was speaking out of anger. that she had been waiting almost 4 weeks for us to visit and we never did. she told us that she has read the pamphlets over and over and over again, that she has prayed, and that she wants to be baptised, but we never visited her. and now it is too late. . . what have i done? did i fail? did i break one of my promises? is she one of those people from my dream? did i fail to listen to the spirit prompting me to go back and visit her? and the answer is . . . i dont know. i will never know. the only thing i do know is i am scared.
we entered her house and talked for almost a hour more and we are also going to visit her tonight but i know that it wont be sufficient.
i got back to my appartment last night and after planning went straight to the book of mormon. i opened it randomly to Jacob 1:19 looking for comfort and for the first time i think my heavenly father was trying to make me feel guilty not comfort me, because it reads, And we did magnify our office unto the lord taking upon us the responsibility, answering th sins of the people upon our own heads if we did not teach them the word of god with all diligence; wherefroe, by laboring with our might their blood might not come upon our garments; otherwise their blood would come upon our garments, and we would not be found spotless at the last day. the answer is YES i did fail. i failed her, i failed myself, but worse than that failed my dad who always tells me to work work work and i always tell you a am working as hard as i can. well in moments like these i wonder if i am lying. and worst of all i failed him who i represent, the name i have on my badge. i dont know what i am doing anymore.
i recieved the package with the terkey jerky and cookies but the camara not yet. still waiting.
i love you all and know that i am trying.
Elder Landon R. Welch
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